Criss Angel vs David Blaine

Here's a magical Phatality Phight for all you out there who love magic, or for those of you who love when I post about the most random things with awesome links from around the internet. If you don't like either, get out.

This Phight is between magicians Criss Angel and David Blaine.

Now on to the Phight itself starting with Criss Angel. Criss Angel is pretty dang sexy, especially considering that he looks similar to ugly guy Mystery from The Pickup Artist who believes that wearing binoculars is somehow a turn on for women. Criss Angel's show Mindfreak is awesome though.
Every episode of Mindfreak is 45 minutes of Criss Angel being a modern day Jesus. Just like Jesus he can walk on water, make people believe in him religiously and grow a beard. In addition to that he has been burned alive, run over by cars, sawed in half and survived cutting himself.

Criss isn't related to the Chris who posts on this blog, in part because their names are spelled differently.

David Blaine is a crazy dude too. He usually spends his days either buried underground in a coffin, being encased in ice or talking to Donald Trump upside down.
David Blaine also brings his magic to the streets. I definitely give him street cred for that stuff. I suggest you watch this street magic video if you're going to watch any of them. WHAT THE EFF?

So who would win in a fight, Criss Angel or David Blaine?

Kimbo Slice vs Mr. T

Time for another Phatality Phight, this round featuring two straight up badasses. In the black corner standing at 6 foot 2 and 250 pounds is Kimbo Slice, and in the other black corner standing at probably around the same and weighing around the same would be Mr. T.

Kimbo Slice (born: some less badass name) became famous by kicking the crap out of anyone who wanted to get the crap beaten out of them by Kimbo Slice. He was born in the Bahamas, then soon moved to the US and attended Bel-Air Elementary school. Really, he did. So after fighting on the streets, literally, for awhile Kimbo went pro. After defeating Ray Mercer (possibly related to Lee L. Mercer Jr?) he won a few more fights with his signature move, the one-punch knockout, then lost on purpose and took a break. Allegations of being a half dragon and/or half two eyed cyclops are pending against him.

Mr. T pities the fool who fights against Mr. T.
Mr. T was born in Chicago, home of Da Bears and God coach Mike Ditka, da coach. Mr. T is the only A-Team member who didn't need a gun, because he can destroy people with his mohawk alone. Mr. T pities the fool who is on Team Kimbo instead of the A-Team because the A-Team is indestructible. Fact: Mr. T. got his mohawk from reading National Geographic and has a photographic memory. When Mr. T learned that his chains cost about the same as a country in Africa, he said to himself "No, T, you can never wear your gold again. It's an insult to God" and donated them to charity.
Mr. T is the co-author of "T and Crumpets" and pities the fool who doesn't read his book.

Think you could take on these guys? I think not.

Troy Hurtubise vs Bear Grylls

This will be the first new recurring segment that does not have Douche in its title: Phatality Phights. You know the often asked question of who would win in a fight between two notable persons? Well this is exactly that but with my added commentary.

Phirst ever Phatality Phight matchup: Troy Hurtubise vs Bear Grylls

Troy Hurtubise is probably the greatest inventor of all time. He has created firepaste (most resistant substance on Earth), 1313 paste (which can stop sniper rifle fire), the Angel Light and the Trojan Ballistic Armor Suit.

The Angel Light is a large device that can allow people to see through objects, detect stealth aircraft, see into flesh and will one day cure cancer.

However most important of all is the badass armor he makes. The Trojan Ballistic Armor Suit is like real life Halo armor, but better. The Ursus Mark VII armor suit he made he used to beat the crap of a bear that had attacked him years before.

Bear Grylls however is not a bear. Bear Grylls the man was born on the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944 but through his superb diet and exercise routine is currently only 34 years old.

Bear enjoys swimming in frozen lakes, sleeping in tonton carcasses and killing innocent animals on cable TV. His favorite food is the small intestine of a camel and his favorite past time is making tents out of leaves and saliva.

Bear is proficient in many weapons including, but not limited to: knives, boomerangs, sharp pointy sticks, jagged rocks, smooth rocks, trees, dead animals, and his socks.

Trust me, you do not want to find either of these people in a dark alley, for Troy may cure your cancer only to destroy you with his robot armor and Bear would have the entire place set with traps only to choke you to death with his bare hands.

Who would win?