Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Troy Hurtubise vs Bear Grylls

This will be the first new recurring segment that does not have Douche in its title: Phatality Phights. You know the often asked question of who would win in a fight between two notable persons? Well this is exactly that but with my added commentary.

Phirst ever Phatality Phight matchup: Troy Hurtubise vs Bear Grylls

Troy Hurtubise is probably the greatest inventor of all time. He has created firepaste (most resistant substance on Earth), 1313 paste (which can stop sniper rifle fire), the Angel Light and the Trojan Ballistic Armor Suit.

The Angel Light is a large device that can allow people to see through objects, detect stealth aircraft, see into flesh and will one day cure cancer.

However most important of all is the badass armor he makes. The Trojan Ballistic Armor Suit is like real life Halo armor, but better. The Ursus Mark VII armor suit he made he used to beat the crap of a bear that had attacked him years before.

Bear Grylls however is not a bear. Bear Grylls the man was born on the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944 but through his superb diet and exercise routine is currently only 34 years old.

Bear enjoys swimming in frozen lakes, sleeping in tonton carcasses and killing innocent animals on cable TV. His favorite food is the small intestine of a camel and his favorite past time is making tents out of leaves and saliva.

Bear is proficient in many weapons including, but not limited to: knives, boomerangs, sharp pointy sticks, jagged rocks, smooth rocks, trees, dead animals, and his socks.

Trust me, you do not want to find either of these people in a dark alley, for Troy may cure your cancer only to destroy you with his robot armor and Bear would have the entire place set with traps only to choke you to death with his bare hands.

Who would win?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

On Cats

You know those times when you smell something, and you are pretty sure its not you, but your not quite sure? Regardless of the final conclusion you reach, that one second of doubt, that one instance of "Does something I'm wearing...or even me, smell terrible?", that one painful, terror-filled, eternal second is the most scary goddamn thing in the world.

Unless you are emilz, then its just 10:37 AM.

But that was me this morning. I got to school at a torturous 7:00AM for a National Honors Society meeting, and I walked into the lecture hall. As I sat down, I smelled something vaguely resembling cat piss. Now I have three cats, and sometimes they do smell gross and/or leak butt juice on my belongings, so needless to say, this scared the everliving s*** out of me. I tried to calm myself. Maybe someone pissed themselves in study hall yesterday...Maybe its that fugly bitch sitting in front of me...Maybe its me!

OH F***!

Okay...let's be rational. I can't smell it all the time, so its probably not me. So it's not my sweatshirt or tee shirt, it's not me (I smell amazing, as always). That leaves the pants. Oh God....OH GOD! There is a grass-stain on the pants. Were they not washed? No...they were definitely washed. Okay, it does not seem to be anything I'm wearing. Probably just something in the room. now the meeting is ending and I'm at the front of the room.

I smell it again...damn.

Okay maybe it is me, but I can't tell for sure. It's not a constant smell, so I don't think so, but I am recovering from a cold so my nose is kind of plugged. I smell my shirt. Yeah...I'm fine. I went first block (astronomy) and slept on and off because I had to get up early (even though astronomy is actually cool, its not like I missed much).

That brings us to now...spanish class. I keep nervously sniffing, but now I am so paranoid that I think I smell it sometimes...but my mind could be playing tricks on me because I expect the smell to be there. Emilio says I don't smell like cat piss, but how can I trust him? (He's Italian...also he's currently failing at Dolphin Olympics and probably the next spanish test) I don't know what to think anymore! DID I JUST SMELL IT AGAIN?!? I don't know...I can't trust anyone or anything...

...even myself.

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #2
It is 1500 hours and I have declared war on my cats.

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #3
eighteen-hundred hours. i'm in hiding. i barricaded myself in my washing machine, but i think the cats have me surrounded. can't use will alert the cats

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #4
i think the cats poisoned the water, cause im seein crazy shit all over. right now im talking to the lord of the laundry detergent and i think hes gonna be on my side to fight the cats.

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #5
confirm poisoned water im trippin ballz but i dont trust that lord of the laundry machine cuz one i think hes a ghost or maybe a goblin (in spanish that is duende) and two i think hes gonna turn on me if this is my last post let em know i went down fighting

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #6
It is 2200 hours and I dug a hole through my floor and am halfway to outside. Take that you stupid cat bastards...I shall escape to FREEDOM!

to be continued...