Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Top Video of the Unspecified Time Period

This video is from Mr. Adrian Chen who is too nerdy and cool for one blog so he has two: worldoftoday.org and craigslisting, which you can find the link on the right. We link blogs so we're like best buds.

This new segment, Top Video of the Unspecified Time Period, will be what the title says it is. Expect the unexpected. Be afraid.

Anyways on to the video already:

Extended Car Warranty from Adrian Chen on Vimeo.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Review of the Entire Lower Upper Midwest (Part 1)

(This post is coming out too long, so I decided to split it up).


Many people choose not to think of it. Good for them. Us unlucky ones are forced to. Some assholes proactively defend Iowa.

They're just dumb, though.

Regardless, Iowa sucks. I can tell you that having spent a good portion of the last (the time of writing) weekend (what would have been a kickass 3 day weekend) in said state. There are so many bad things about Iowa, I don't know where to start. That is convenient, however, because I can then introduce this article more thoroughly and buy time. I spent the 31st of October through the 4th of November allowing myself to be dragged through Iowa, Illinois, and Missouri, and then back through those in the reverse order in exactly one night. I feel the need to detail just exactly why that was a terrible, terrible idea.

That brings us back to Iowa. The easiest place to start (or so I have decided) is that it smells like shit. Pure and simple. I don't know how anyone could live there. The stench never ends. I guess I could get used to it, but then I would probably kill myself from the knowledge that shit smells normal to me, and that I probably now smell like shit. But I don't think I could get used to it anyway, and here's why: Iowa has managed to make different shit smells. For some reasons, all the terrible stenches are slightly distinct. It's like the gourmet of shit smelling. I suppose the better analogy would be the Old Country Buffet of shit smelling, although I'm sure its probably less analogous and more directly comparable to Old Country Buffet itself. Whether it is a paper plant, a pig farm, a trucker, meth labs, or even Cedar Rapids' unique Quaker Oats factory shit smell (which I at first thought was alright, but then not later when I actually stepped outside), it is unbearable. Now, I know that I'm not the only one to make this point in a humorous blog post, but it just can't be stressed enough.

Funnily enough, they still try to make it livable. This brings me to my next point: department stores. I guess its to give people a way to buy the essentials/do stuff on weekends/buy too much shit from Ikea, but looking at West Des Moines is so disheartening that it makes me want not only to have an existential crisis, but to star in a rotoscoped movie about having an existential crisis. This is coming from me, a person who wholeheartedly embraces commercialism and actively defends McDonalds. It is so intensely suburban and commercialized, it could make the directors/whores of Scary Movie 4/Epic Movie/etc. cry like little bitches. Let me try to convey to you West Des Moines. Picture a booming metropolis, for example Minneapolis. Imagine it at night to emphasize the lights coming from everywhere. Now make everything a department store or restaurant chain, and fill those in with the kind of people who like going to department stores, who are either insane or my mom. Applebee's, Buffalo Wild Wings, Home Depot, Target, Walmart, and the works. All boxed into a perfect square made by roads, outside of which is flatness, suburbs, and apartment buildings. West Des Moines is a metropolis of a lame mall. Damn.

But aside from all that, using stores like that to make a place fun works just about as well as the time Billy's baseball playing cousin took steroids.

That's all for this update. Next, in what is hopefully less a boring rant and more funny, we might cover the flatness and the people who live in this literally God forsaken (God got the hell outta there right quick) place. Or whatever. It's not like anyone cares about those places. To drive the point home, I shall conclude with the bold statement I opened with.


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Where do all the stupid people go?

Garage Band class. 2nd block. Enough said. This class is the academic version of the 'Tard Cart

So basically what it's all about is a small barren room filled with $5000 computer setups with a curriculum catered to idiots. And yes im taking it. I need fine arts credits, and i refuse to be the only man in a room full of ceramic -molding, paint-sniffing, jewlery-making asshats.

There are 3 types of people in this class:

1) Black people who think they can rap but they cant. They are taking this class to advance their rap careers but just plain suck at life

2) White people who think they can rap but they cant. Straight from the trailer park! Seriously, one kid looks like his face has been melted in some industrial chemo-nuclear-mechanical accident. Probably from all the inbreeding.

3) Me.

Back to the $5000 computer setups. We get MIDI keyboards, which is odd considering many of these rappers-in-training have never seen a keyboard or know what a musical note is. So one day I get our 5 day project done in 20 minutes, take off my headphones, hear some thunderous noise, and immediately hit the floor, thinking one of those Minnesota earthquakes. But HOLY SHIT thats not thunder its the sound of 23 retards randomly hitting keys on their keyboards, many sporting a sexy grin.

So the point in trying to make is, get your damn fine arts credits done early. Dont be the only senior stuck in a sea of sophomore inbreds.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Kimbo Slice vs Mr. T

Time for another Phatality Phight, this round featuring two straight up badasses. In the black corner standing at 6 foot 2 and 250 pounds is Kimbo Slice, and in the other black corner standing at probably around the same and weighing around the same would be Mr. T.

Kimbo Slice (born: some less badass name) became famous by kicking the crap out of anyone who wanted to get the crap beaten out of them by Kimbo Slice. He was born in the Bahamas, then soon moved to the US and attended Bel-Air Elementary school. Really, he did. So after fighting on the streets, literally, for awhile Kimbo went pro. After defeating Ray Mercer (possibly related to Lee L. Mercer Jr?) he won a few more fights with his signature move, the one-punch knockout, then lost on purpose and took a break. Allegations of being a half dragon and/or half two eyed cyclops are pending against him.

Mr. T pities the fool who fights against Mr. T.
Mr. T was born in Chicago, home of Da Bears and God coach Mike Ditka, da coach. Mr. T is the only A-Team member who didn't need a gun, because he can destroy people with his mohawk alone. Mr. T pities the fool who is on Team Kimbo instead of the A-Team because the A-Team is indestructible. Fact: Mr. T. got his mohawk from reading National Geographic and has a photographic memory. When Mr. T learned that his chains cost about the same as a country in Africa, he said to himself "No, T, you can never wear your gold again. It's an insult to God" and donated them to charity.
Mr. T is the co-author of "T and Crumpets" and pities the fool who doesn't read his book.

Think you could take on these guys? I think not.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Some Select Quotes of My Own

After seeing some splendid quotes that may or may not be relevant to any situation at hand whatsoever, I decided to post some of my favorite quotations, both humorous and inspiring.

"Do or do not, there is no try." ~~~ Unknown

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" ~~~ Unknown (I find this quotation particularly motivating).

"In mathematical English, applying the conditional operator to P and Q produces a sentence that may be written, "If P, then Q", or "P implies Q". (Fine point.) Sentences of this form are conditional assertions. Conditional assertions are at the very heart of mathematical reasoning. Mathematical proofs typically consist of chains of conditional assertions.
A conditional assertion "If P then Q" has the precise truth table shown here. The meaning of "If P then Q" is determined entirely by the truth values of P and Q and this truth table. The meaning is not determined by the usual English meanings of the words "if" and "then".
The truth table can be summed up by saying: A conditional is true unless the hypothesis is true and the conclusion is false. That means that to prove "If P then Q" is FALSE you must show that P is TRUE(!) and Q is FALSE." ~~~ Charles Wells, Professor Emeritus of Mathematics at Case Western Reserve University

"My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'" ~~~ Kurt Cobain

Thank you for taking the time out of this wonderful day to read my humble post. Have a great life!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Troy Hurtubise vs Bear Grylls

This will be the first new recurring segment that does not have Douche in its title: Phatality Phights. You know the often asked question of who would win in a fight between two notable persons? Well this is exactly that but with my added commentary.

Phirst ever Phatality Phight matchup: Troy Hurtubise vs Bear Grylls

Troy Hurtubise is probably the greatest inventor of all time. He has created firepaste (most resistant substance on Earth), 1313 paste (which can stop sniper rifle fire), the Angel Light and the Trojan Ballistic Armor Suit.

The Angel Light is a large device that can allow people to see through objects, detect stealth aircraft, see into flesh and will one day cure cancer.

However most important of all is the badass armor he makes. The Trojan Ballistic Armor Suit is like real life Halo armor, but better. The Ursus Mark VII armor suit he made he used to beat the crap of a bear that had attacked him years before.

Bear Grylls however is not a bear. Bear Grylls the man was born on the beaches of Normandy on June 6, 1944 but through his superb diet and exercise routine is currently only 34 years old.

Bear enjoys swimming in frozen lakes, sleeping in tonton carcasses and killing innocent animals on cable TV. His favorite food is the small intestine of a camel and his favorite past time is making tents out of leaves and saliva.

Bear is proficient in many weapons including, but not limited to: knives, boomerangs, sharp pointy sticks, jagged rocks, smooth rocks, trees, dead animals, and his socks.

Trust me, you do not want to find either of these people in a dark alley, for Troy may cure your cancer only to destroy you with his robot armor and Bear would have the entire place set with traps only to choke you to death with his bare hands.

Who would win?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

On Cats

You know those times when you smell something, and you are pretty sure its not you, but your not quite sure? Regardless of the final conclusion you reach, that one second of doubt, that one instance of "Does something I'm wearing...or even me, smell terrible?", that one painful, terror-filled, eternal second is the most scary goddamn thing in the world.

Unless you are emilz, then its just 10:37 AM.

But that was me this morning. I got to school at a torturous 7:00AM for a National Honors Society meeting, and I walked into the lecture hall. As I sat down, I smelled something vaguely resembling cat piss. Now I have three cats, and sometimes they do smell gross and/or leak butt juice on my belongings, so needless to say, this scared the everliving s*** out of me. I tried to calm myself. Maybe someone pissed themselves in study hall yesterday...Maybe its that fugly bitch sitting in front of me...Maybe its me!

OH F***!

Okay...let's be rational. I can't smell it all the time, so its probably not me. So it's not my sweatshirt or tee shirt, it's not me (I smell amazing, as always). That leaves the pants. Oh God....OH GOD! There is a grass-stain on the pants. Were they not washed? No...they were definitely washed. Okay, it does not seem to be anything I'm wearing. Probably just something in the room.

Okay...so now the meeting is ending and I'm at the front of the room.

I smell it again...damn.

Okay maybe it is me, but I can't tell for sure. It's not a constant smell, so I don't think so, but I am recovering from a cold so my nose is kind of plugged. I smell my shirt. Yeah...I'm fine. I went first block (astronomy) and slept on and off because I had to get up early (even though astronomy is actually cool, its not like I missed much).

That brings us to now...spanish class. I keep nervously sniffing, but now I am so paranoid that I think I smell it sometimes...but my mind could be playing tricks on me because I expect the smell to be there. Emilio says I don't smell like cat piss, but how can I trust him? (He's Italian...also he's currently failing at Dolphin Olympics and probably the next spanish test) I don't know what to think anymore! DID I JUST SMELL IT AGAIN?!? I don't know...I can't trust anyone or anything...

...even myself.

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #2
It is 1500 hours and I have declared war on my cats.

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #3
eighteen-hundred hours. i'm in hiding. i barricaded myself in my washing machine, but i think the cats have me surrounded. can't use capitals...it will alert the cats

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #4
i think the cats poisoned the water, cause im seein crazy shit all over. right now im talking to the lord of the laundry detergent and i think hes gonna be on my side to fight the cats.

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #5
confirm poisoned water im trippin ballz but i dont trust that lord of the laundry machine cuz one i think hes a ghost or maybe a goblin (in spanish that is duende) and two i think hes gonna turn on me if this is my last post let em know i went down fighting

On Cat Piss Journal Entry #6
It is 2200 hours and I dug a hole through my floor and am halfway to outside. Take that you stupid cat bastards...I shall escape to FREEDOM!

to be continued...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Friday, January 25, 2008

Design Workbook

This picture represents value because of the shadows and highlights
between the color tones in the scenery.

Here the people together create a sense of unity, making the scene feel entirely full and complete.

These four blocks represent shape because of how they complement each other despite their differences in color.

This forest is an example of line because of the shape of the trees as well as the road leading further into the scene.

Movement is seen because of the active fish within the still pond creating the impression that they are alive within the picture.

The flowers intertwined in the leaves show pattern between the two elements of this picture.

The sculptures arranged as such give the viewer a sense of repetition as they are not exactly the same however they are very alike.

The building from top to bottom is very different showing the contrast of the architecture and the contrast between the building and the sky.

The bridge and the cords running across the picture contrasting the cars show rhythm together with the clouds and the sky.

Form is seen here because of the shapes working together in unison for the picture to seem real.

The red silk in this picture creates a visual illusion of a soft texture.

The explosion of color here creates a unique visual emphasizing the variety of different hues.

The openness between the rock formation and the sky within the cave creates a sense of space.

The caterpillar on the flower represents balance because of how the picture shows equally both the caterpillar and the flower separately as well as together.

The black and white nature of the picture combined with the shape show variety in the lines.

The lone spaceship in the landscape is the main focal point, therefore being the emphasis of the picture.

Thursday, January 24, 2008